i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
