My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
