He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Blood and glitter go together right?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
