I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
