you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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