Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
