Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
