That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
