I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
