I think im going to throw up on grandma
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
