Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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