FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I need water and some morals
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
