I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
