A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
