..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
