and my herpes radar will keep us safe
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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