drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
