I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize