SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
