just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
