Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
