I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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