I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
