it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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