I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
