Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
