my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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