i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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