At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Text me some of your sweat
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
