If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
