made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am spending my child support on dildos
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
