I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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