i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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