my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
