Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
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