Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
