im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
