Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
