After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
