Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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