she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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