im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
