kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
