Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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