a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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