You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
