Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
