Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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