so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
