He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
