my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish I only lived at night.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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