You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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