Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
