It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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