did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
