So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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