never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
